dying out...

How weird it is not working for AIESEC in Mainland of China?

No emails in my inbox, nobody is calling me for help, I was not informed of anything happening - even not this AIER visit, not invited formally to any events let alone to be a speaker. Only one thing, on INSIGHT XP, I am still on 'MCP' status.

At IPM '05, I was told by Kartik that how fast the old (sometimes even the current) generation is out of the spotlight from the minute the new generation is selected. I couldn't feel it because I was selected at that conference. Back home, I am still the MCP for AIESEC China - making decisions, running conferences - doing everything as a big boss!

Right now, I'm experiencing the scary feeling of dying out from AIESEC China. Though I'll still continue my AIESEC path for another year, but in the last 3.5 years, I've never left AIESEC China like I have to right now.

All of a sudden, I feel myself not any more needed.

I think as much of a control freak as I am, it is not a bad thing to experience 'dying out' which leaves the space to the next year's team. Then I can witness how the next generation is going to grow up which I've experienced in the past one year. Yet the feeling of not under the spotlight and being informed of everything is indeed weird!

Routine VS. Randomness

I was busy meeting up with my friends and previous class mates here. It is very nice to catch up with people and see how their life has been. Since I have very very few good friends - I mean those who understand what I am passionate about, I always think I don't really have a network in Shanghai. Maybe I do have. Just I need to reach out for them.

4 hours KTV with Chinese people! Well...I did it a few times in Beijing with some 'lao wai'. It was exhausting because we were screaming and dancing more than just singing. I found myself very out of the loop - I can only sing Chinese pop songs back several years ago. And it took me a while to find the right tunes - lack of practise or totally 'artless'?

Today I met one of my best friends from university. Had dinner together, talking and laughing for around 3 hours. I was so happy for her since she found a very lovely boyfriend pn her trip to Thailand a month ago. Guess I should travel more in that sense. ;-)

Interesting enough, those who start working a year ago are definitely not satisfied with their jobs. They hate the 9-5 routines though lots of have to OT if they work for an auditing firm like one of our most distinguished supporter. ;p An abused life style. They told me they can see through 5 years down the line how their life will be, not just working life, life in general! And they definitely hate such feelings. There are also stories of how people turned insane during an 'open offer' traineeship period when the employer will make a decision to hire or fire, according to their performance.

Some of my highschool classmates are in love with each other for 4 - 5 years. It is very sweet to know that.

One of my highschool classmate was working in Guang Zhou - a very developed city in South, very nice food, cheap to live, slow paced. But her mom was calling her and telling her that she cannot sleep at all thus she came back permanantly early May. Sad that she cannot experience what she wants to though I definitely understand 'asian parents'. And again, I appreciate how my parents have been supporting me though deep down they don't like me traveling so much.

Then I looked at myself - one year in Beijing aftger graduation and another year in R'dam, cannot look further than this coming one year even, no boyfriend and currently heartbroken. Yet, I am very excited about what's gonna happen to me though nothing is certain. At least, my job always give me enough energy to get out of my bed every morning! I am not sure if my life is well planned in a macro way, but at least I love to be involved in 'non economic' agenda. So...I'll look for such opportunities and map out my next step(s).

Shanghai - the place to be!

Rohit Sathe, VK and Petr (forgive me I cannot spell their full names) are meeting in Shanghai from May 25th to 30th. Pedro Santos and me once predicted that Shanghai is going to be the 2nd London for AI ER team to be based in. Rohit is taking an Electrolux traineeship in Shanghai now after he is bored with USA. VK and Petr came for transition and exploring the developing country market. I am expecting to show them around Shanghai next week! ;-)

Speaking about showing people around, I might do some homework this week. I've been having my intensive 're-integration' these few days. This evening I met Tina (my predecessor - MCP China 03-04) for dinner. And I met Rohit Sathe and a few Shanghai LC members afterwards. I took buses back home and found out the places I used to hang out a lot are turning more and more fancy over the last one year. Shanghai is going to that extreme without any hesitation. The materialism is overwhelming. And people consume crazily as if they hate money.

I have another 10 days to be with the city and my parents and friends. I am confident that I'll get my MVV sticker on my passport sometime next week - from the Shanghai Dutch general consulate without any yelling. Another 14 months nomadlife ahead! As Tina put it - we can only afford such life at such age. Guess I'll treasure it then.

Democracy - a universal solution or not?

Some general update first:

It is nice being back home. I spent this evening with my parents walking and talking after dinner. Mom still expects me to have a well-paid job staying in Shanghai instead of being here and there with such 'one year' contracts. She needs to know where my future is and she wants her daughter (the only one kid cuz of the policy) to be close to her. My dad seems fine with me committing to AIESEC. He is slightly more liberal compared to Mom.

My leaving date is getting closer and closer. I didn't realize that I have spent 5 full days at home since last Sunday. Time does fly. I still have some family relatives to catch up with and some last minute shopping to do. Packing is going to be a challenge after I unpacked my 64kg luggage back from Beijing.

Sunday, 22nd, I am attending my high school classmates reunion. Forgive me that I haven't attended a single one ever since I joined university which means I haven't seen them for five years! I am so out of the loop and I still remember I missed all the reunions cuz of AIESEC. Another thing is, I recently heard that one of my univ classmates got married in early May. Apart from being amazed that how she married someone she knew for less than a year, we are all shocked - how she got enough money to get married. Think of how expensive houses and cars are at this moment in Shanghai. (hm...)

I will go to Dutch consulate again tomorrow. Yes, again! I think I am gonna yell at them (the usual strategy) if they still don't receive my passport and put the MVV stick on it! The only embassy/consulate I don't like so far. Same feeling for KLM and the shit is that I might take it very often during my term. Actually, in ten days!

I ran into a debate about 'one party system' vs. 'democratic system' discusion with my best friend today. We knew each other for 12 years so far. We are very similar in many ways yet very different as well - she studied automobile machanics in university while I did economics; she is solution-oriented but I am critical. As a firm believer in democracy, I think she is totally brainwashed by the SINGLE perspective this country is willing to provide us. While she thinks that I am negative, critical and with too much western influence without taking into consideration the realities of the country - the population, the poverty, the history, the education level and the general mentality. Excuses or realities? Depends on where you stand for.

I remember we talked about sustainable development before I head for IPM. We couldn't agree with each other cuz she thinks that technical development is the key and at the same time, 'the strong' is certainly allocated to more resources due to their competencies while I believe in humanity evolution and resources reallocation. It is very interesting to see how different we are due to our experiences.

I am glad that at least there are ambitious young kids like both of us still thinking of where this country will go in the future or even the world. Meanwhile, always want to do something positive within our reach. Maybe that's the important part and probably both of our arguements have valid points. I cannot convince her right now and I don't want to. I wish my future experiences can further challenge my world view. It makes me very excited thinking of working with another 20 individuals - a true platform for me to absorb, challenge and be challenged. Stay tuned!

My Shanghai?

Beijing turns out to be my Beijing after 11 months. Is Shanghai still mine after the 11 months?

When my flight took off yesterday morning, my tears were rolling down my face. It is really sad leaving Beijing and all the lovely people I made friends with. Thanks to Adam for seeing me off at the airport. I was very very touched! Cried, read and slept for a while, then I landed in Shanghai after one and a half hours.

Walking off the plane, I took the first breath of 'Shanghai air' - I smiled. Not because it is slightly cleaner than Beijing's, because I feel it is home now - the air is humid. Yesterday was a sunny and cloudy day. Quite warm. Shanghai is getting better and better looking - I found, on the way home. The city itself looks a lot more colorful compared to Beijing because our buildings are of different styles and colors. Our central governmant still needs to encourage more 'diversity'! ;-)

For many reasons, Shanghai is getting less and less adorable for me after my one year stay in Beijing:

1) Expensive!
I was spoiled by 'cheap shopping' in those dodgy markets in Beijing. While Shanghai itself is still a big advocator for luxury material life style. There are several top brand flagship stores newly opened at The Bund. Then again and again, you meet them in different department stores. 2nd tier brands, I still cannot and don't want to afford. I am not a branding-maniac out of AIESEC. Not any more!

2) Industrialized!
Shanghai is famous for its delicate taste for life style in terms of fashion and cuisine. But I want to say - HELL NO! Hardly any restaurants, cafe's or pubs I know here are open for providing good service and nice food. Instead, they aim at high profit. There are hardly any unique places you can go and meet your friends or spend time alone which makes me miss 'nuage', 'kava cafe', 'pass-by bar', 'black sun' in Beijing. What is popular in Shanghai then? Franchisors! It makes me feel eating dishes coming out of the assembly line. ;-( And of course, it is very expensive to dine out here. In Beijing, I usually pay RMB 8 - 30 each while we eat out. Here in Shanghai, RMB 50/person is a minimum.

3) I hate buses here!
Beijing does have bad subway systems while Shanghai has bad bus transportation which makes life tougher because you always take buses more than trains.

4) Fashion:
It is very different as usual. Even during my last three times short visits here, I always find different fashion and taste for beauty. Since I am never at the frontline thus this doesn't bother me much. Just very interesting to discover.

It is not 'revserse culture shock' I hope. Just after a year in Beijing - a city very different from Shanghai in many many ways, I have different habbits and a life style. The catch-up with Lynn and the city itself was an interesting experience. Last but not least, finally I've got a good and long sleep on my double bed.

Black/White or Grey?

I watched the movie 'Scent of Women' recommended by Ralph.

To make everything clear, I think the movie is talking about the old gentleman and the boy helping each other getting through the toughest choices of their lives. Because sometimes, I ended up having a very different understanding of a movie thus I clarify it here and hope who've seen it will agree with me. ;-)

I enjoyed the movie very much as well and I even wish the last part of the movie can be real as well in real life. In the real life game, there are many times we cannot tell the truth or say what we exactly feel. My team mates or friends will define me as a 'black and white' person who is very blunt with what I wish to say. And diplomacy has been the biggest personal development goal this year.

Deep down I feel there is always something about myself which I never want to change it - e.g. being 'black and white' as well as having the guts to say what I feel and how things exactly are. I truly hope the real world allows it as well.

My Beijing!

Beijing turns out to be mine right now. Not sure if it is because I am leaving or Beijing grows on me gradually over the one year time. ;-) I think I will miss it in many ways.

1. Cheap clothes shopping:
This is just incredible. It is almost showing off, when I was telling my friends the price I get those well-made, fashionable stuffs - handbags, purses, underwears, tops, pants, jewleries and shoes! Beijing has fundementally changed me from someone who cares about brand a lot to someone knows (well...sort of) how to bargain and how much stuffs worth. I will be so uncomfortable going shopping in department stores back in Shanghai while I cannot bargain and everything is going to be several times more expensive.

2. Cheap cabs:
But what you have to put up with is the crap car and drivers who are clueless of where you want to go. I am not proud of Shanghai's Mercedes cabs any more because cheap is everything for me. Since Beijing is hosting Olympics in 2008 (Morris Wolff thought we are about to bid for the one in 2020), it is changing all its cabs into Hyuandai and lifted the price to RMB 1.6 (same as 0.16 cent euro) per km from RMB 1.2. Funny enough, I found at the same time, people's brains seem to be 'lifted' as well, it is harder to get an empty 1.6 cab compared to get an empty 1.2!

3. Domestic brands are dominant in supermarkets:
Beijing has its own supermarket franchisors not like Shanghai we only have those big western supermarket chain stores everywhere. While it is local here, the products are local as well. Quite patriotic thus Flic and me had the experience trying Chinese 'English tea', Chinese chocolate, Chinese bread, Chinese pasta, Chinese brand shampoo and shower gel and many many other Chinese substitues.

Another thing very distinct about Beijing supermarkets, they have heaps of staff yelling for promotion all day long thus supermarket does feel like a real market. It was kinda annoying at the beginning but I guess now I will feel awkward if I walk into a quiet supermarket in Shanghai.

4. Over-staffed:
All the int'ls here found Beijing is completely over staffed. Well...I once explained the rationale to Ralph - it is on the other hand a good thing to create more job opportunities for people to survive. But still, over-staffed is strange for me to see while it is to an extent. E.g. There is 3 different persons on 3 shifts operating the elevator in our building.

5. Random people talking to you or yelling at you on the streets:
There are a lot of people yelling at you asking if you need diploma, marriage certificate, student card, receipt, etc, in my neighbourhood. On the bridges, there are people stopping you and asking you to join their lucky draw for no reasons. Close to those big department stores, there are well-dressed ladies stop you and want to interview you. Scary! Leave me alone!

6. Wu Dao Kou:
For Achim, Adam, Ralph, me and maybe some others, we all like and miss Wu Dao Kou when we leave Beijing. I like Kava Cafe for obvious reasons. Also the coffee there is of the top notch according to Ralph who is extremely fussy about food and drinks. I also love Sculpting in Time cafe because I finished my AI application there and I spent a couple of days staying there working on my AI application during January. And recently, I found a book I love a lot called Islam (the 6th edition) on its bookshelf. More, I love the little shop on the first floor of this cafe. I have an entire collection of its stuff from bears, different bags with cats on it and jewleries. After those cafes, I like Lush as well. I had a couple of good parties there as well as conversations with people. Hm...I am not sure if I like 'Propaganda' (which is a club) a lot or not. If I ever do, it is because the 2 time dancing together with someone. Rohit and Adam are big fans for 'Propaganda'. We all love the name cuz it is hilarious! China government loves the name as well.

7. Hou Hai:

I had the best memories in Nuage - a very nice Vietnamese restaurant because I had 2 farewell dinners there for two very special friends of mine. Otherwise, I love boating on the lake which I tried at the beginning and about the end of my stay in Beijing. But I enjoyed most was the 'arse-chairing' as someone would like to call it. It was hilarious and a very fun way to enjoy the ice when you cannot skate. Actually, I enjoyed all the experiences I had at Hou Hai - shopping on the streets full of exotic Nepalese and Indian stuff, drinking shots at the 'shut-up and drink' pub, sitting next to the lake and drinking Absolute with Ray (it is his product), having fun on the lake/ice, the starbucks coffee and cake, my first glass of long-island ice tea, walking along the lake on a lousy sunny Sunday afternoon with Flic, everything! I still remember I 'wow'ed when I saw this place for the first time. Better than any bar/restaurant areas in Shanghai.

8. Embassy areas:

There are 2 seperate embassy districts in Beijing, close to each other. I've been to both. Tell me about it. The time standing in a que, the money for those VISA applications, my first passport are my investments. What do I get? The dodgy romanian dude still owes me 26 RMB and I still have the stuff the Bangladesh guy ask me to give to his brother in Dhaka. Maybe...I can draw a map of Beijing for that area. Flic found a very nice cafe next door to the Bangladesh Embassy whose apple muffin tastes just like home-made for her. For that reason, we always buy several and share in the office everytime we went to apply or pick up our VISA.

9. The third ring road:

Beijing has ring-roads to facilitate its traffic though it still sucks right now. I like 3rd ring road for many reasons - I live on 3rd ring road at the Northern western part of the city; I take bus running along the 3rd ring road all the time because I hate Beijing subway and it is usually faster. I can remember lots of places along the third ring road till China World Tower (where I usually end my trip) - IKEA, CTS Plaza, Hard Rock Cafe, Hilton Hotel, etc.

10. The MC apartment/office:

I love it the most and will miss it the most. All of us take it as home. All means Flic and me plus all the CEEDers. It is a 3 room apartment neatly renovated before we moved in. We made the biggest room the office room plus CEEDer's bedroom but just one of them will have such 'luck'. It locates very close to Ren Min University - one of our LCs in Beijing and very convenient for the other LCs to visit us though they could have done it a lot more often. We have one supermarket (the patriotic Chinese one) and three big department stores (we never go there for shopping) around us plus two starbucks cafe (I was a frequent visitor when I was writing my AI application). Downstairs our building or 5 minutes walk to Ren Da, there are two bus stops with buses can take us anywhere of the town. The elevator stops at midnight (I am not sure for security reason or because they couldn't manage to arrange anyone operating it from 0:00 to 6:00am) thus we all had experiences climing the stair way up to 14th floor after midnight and get quite used to it right now. Melissa usually needs several stops during the trip. The toilette is a squat which shocked me a bit when I firstly arrived but understand the rationale of it more and more right now and definitely appreciate it more than a real toilette. I definitely 'love' the kitchen the best because I had very dramatic moments there and I always leave it with burnt stinky smell. Eventually, I evolved from 'being able to cook water' to 'excel around 3 - 4 dishes' right now. My room - yah! I like it very much though half of the year I was sharing it with one of our CEEDers. Once I hated it and once I loved it! Otherwise, I always enjoy staying in my room alone, reading, blogging or clearning it!

I think there are definitely other things I miss about Beijing. Like the lovely people I made friends with and nice palaces I've visited. I loved the night we went for Peking Opera - excited and proud of being a Chinese though I fell asleep in the middle. I enjoyed Hard Rock Cafe for the first time, though rediculously expensive! Latinos is very 'hot' and 'Latin'. Black Sun Bar is cheap and good for large group gathering. Pass-by Bar is always very nice and peaceful with a random manu full of dishes innovated by themselves. Beijing airport is my most frequently visited place though I didn't like its duty-free shops at all.

I cannot stop but either continue because the memories are flooding right now. 34 minutes passed mid night and I might need to calm down and fall asleep still.

Disappearing...

Flic left us yesterday. I believe there are many many people here already started to miss her. She is indeed a very lovely person and tried her best to achieve maximum influence. Surely she did. With many many goodbye messages and gifts, and almost the entire MC team seeing her off at the airport, she left with smile, lots of experiences, and tears.

Of course, she is the most special person for me in the past one year time. I can still remember us talking every day through MSN before she came to China. Yes, every day! We were both scared and tried to know each other as much as we can. And right now, at least I feel we know each other fairly well. Once again, I appreciate the good luck I am always granted. Because I cannot get anyone else better than her to work and live together.

Concerning the amount of 'Australian' I speak right now including the prenounciation of some words, eating yogurt with fruit every morning, cooking Tou Fu every time, obssessed with cute pink stuffs, we developed some common interests over the one year time though we are still completely different deep down.

I like her influence on me very much. I don't yell as much as I did if I run into a tough debate with someone. I try to take people or things more positively instead of being very critical or even judgemental. Though there is still long way to cover unless my blood type is 'be positive' as well. ;-) I will miss her for sure. And we'll stay in close touch I hope!

Sitting in the office alone, having music on and browsing news, I don't feel lonely but quite at ease and happy. I've just chosen a movie to watch when I finish my weblog updating. In about a week time, I am leaving Beijing as well - a city so different from Shanghai, the only city I lived apart from Shanghai (my hometown), the city I lived right after graduation, a city full of friendly and passionate @ers, a city with different cultures, people and ways of living. I am still not sure I like it or not because it is very dry and 'sandy' & windy most of the times. But I've just had such a great year here with many friends and happy memories. I'll miss her as well.

I kinda like the way I came and I'll choose to leave here. My friend helped me with my luggage - 2 huge boxes of clothes and shoes plus a big bag of matress, quilts and pillow. Nobody from AIESEC welcomed me here since Flic was in Hong Kong for her F visa. The house was very dusty and empty. Well...right now it is still dusty but full of things. Flags of different countries (brought by different internationals came to the office), posters of IPM and APX05, different souvenirs given by different internationals as gifts, maps of China, Australia, AP and the world, self-introduction of the MC team members, and above all, many many hooks! (You know who stuck them onto the wall. I really worry if we'll manage to get our deposit back or not.) I am very proud of the library - full of books about China which you can never get in China. Our int'l MCs 05-06 shall read and have more insights of the country. And many many useful house ware donated or bought by us. We occasionally clean the house because those who came for parties completely destroyed the place all the times. No excuse any more, have to clean it!

Flic and me all agreed that we would love to have the year start from the very beginning again! Because we cried and laughed many many times. Thinking of the love we got from our LCs, I am happy and not regretful at all to leave right now. With my endless ownership for AIESEC in Mainland of China, I've done as much as I can considering the capacity of my MC team and leave as much as possible for 05-06 to build on top of. I don't know how to tell people the experience itself is not just about the amount of time and money me and my parents invested, it is very very AWARDING in all sense.

I hope at least me and Flic encouraged some people here to think about being a fulltime MC for AIESEC in Mainland of China and will carry forward what we've started and motivate more people to join the force. We should open a 'fulltime MC for Mainland of China' community to share our frustration, inspiration and learning because we come across the same life experience. We might even organize physical reunion from time to time. I genuinely congrats the 05-06 full time members because the thrills ahead is really really full of fun. It is not something we can communicate verbally unless people do get the first hand experiences by themselves. With such satisfying feelings, we are both leaving here and embarking upon a new adventure. Moving on appears so natural and easy in AIESEC though it hurts every time when we have to leave or others have to leave us to 'move on'. That's why it is called 'nomadlife'. ;-)

West VS East

Many many times in my current MCP term, 'east' clashes 'west'. When I say clash, they didn't clash, but were very very different.

Last night, we were having dinner at Leon (my successor)'s parents' place. His parents, also my parents, and many other Asian AIESECers' parents, don't agree their kids continue AIESEC after graduation or delay their graduation for AIESEC.

After dinner, they asked those int'ls what do their parents think of them coming to China. To our surprise, most of the answers were like this - "I didn't need the approval of my parents. But they trust my decision making and support me." It is of course, quite shocking for me, Leon and his parents to know.

It suddenly reminded me that, when I was a bit younger, my parents always told me that I was not independent enough by giving me examples of how western kids can live on themselves since 16. Well...quite a few of them start working parttimely even younger than that. So...what's wrong with Asian kids?

Maybe we shall ask what's wrong with Asian parents first of all. They might need to learn more about 'empowering' instead of controlling. In all my previous experiences in AIESEC, and especially the MCP term, I've always found how important it is when I trust someone's ability and willingness of taking responsibility and achieving something. And it is also quite interesting to compare different kids treated by different parents, brought up in different socieities. Thus, the societies are certainly different.